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[ ah.

well. wouldn't they all. ]

thats a difficult thing to give
much more difficult a thing to promise
home itself is such a varied concept to give strict definition

to me home isnt even a place
places dont last long enough for one to depend on
its the people you feel most comfortable with
the ones you trust and can allow yourself to be open with
so while thats something that cannot be given
i can at least make effort to encourage it

Home is my illusion. It's nothing I'll have again, not physically. That's okay. I don't know how much I realized you could find that place with people until it had been gone. It's still not something I'm comfortable with.

I don't enjoy welcoming pain, no matter what I say about living in this moment. I'm not so strong for all of that.

[ it's her way of agreeing that it's complicated. trusting to be open... she more trusts that she, or they, will leave. and that's expected. and not okay, but life. nothing about it needs to be fair. she doesn't look for fairness, or even reciprocation.

but she hesitates. she's enough of that kind of coward that now and again, she has to hesitate. ]

i dont think any of us are
talking about the most logical and practical approach is an entirely different thing than living it
its all a matter of covering our weaknesses so we dont have to expose them
and this is a case where what will keep you safe and what will keep you sane can be at odds
especially at the beginning

i cant say that pain will always be worth it
but it can when its from giving a damn about someone who gives as much of a damn for you
for me i think
being without it is what really scares me
being alone is such a high cost for being untouchable

[ because that's her own crutch, the shield she bears against her own cowardice. if she had no one she mattered to, then what would be the point of her? it's pain either way, one just holds a much worthier reward for her. ]

I'm meant and intended to be alone.

So that's not frightening. Maybe, in senses, not preferrable, but I never expected otherwise.

Friends are an allowance. Anything more is unnecessary, and I don't know if in that kind of aftermath I'd know what to do with myself. So I'm a coward, too. I don't want to find out.

[ she's scared to do that, because what happens if it matters that much? she's always been scared of that to an extent. when people matter. when she can't do what she needs to do. when she stumbles, and there's nothing there to steady her when for some reason she's come to expect their will be.

so there's willful blindness she indulges in.

because that, in her coward's way, is easier, when caring is enough to make her fall. ]

let me ask you this then
do you know what to do with yourself now
why you do it and who it would be for

friendships can be enough
you know i dont take those lightly
anything more isnt really what i was talking about

Keep myself from drowning. It's what I do every day. There's no grand who. I do it to survive until I can learn to live, and then... I don't know. Figure out if there's any way not to go back. I'm fairly sure there's a way to manage that much.

You don't take friendship lightly. I still am not easy with the idea, let alone the working reality. I'll keep fucking it up. That's fine... I don't expect otherwise. But it's worth stating, just as it's worth stating that given a choice, I wouldn't go home. And I wouldn't go home with anyone else, no matter how wonderful their world.

thats the difference i suppose
because if it was only me on my own with no one else to see to depend on or look after
thats when i wouldnt know what to do with myself
im sure youve noticed by now that my sense of self preservation isnt especially strong
im just no good at living for me

i could never really say whether id return or not
theres the chance things could come out successfully at home
but somehow i dont know that i can really believe that
given the choice to stay i dont know whether or not i would take it or not
but in that scenario it wouldnt be my decision either

I've noticed. I won't pretend I fully understand... but I accept what it is.

i dont suppose we really can understand another fully
not without inhabiting their thoughts directly
i suppose then acceptance is the best approach then
when what is there can be accepted

And when it cannot... so be it. It's nothing tears or screaming will change.

tears or screaming arent really my typical strategy in that sort of situation
not unless theyre extreme enough to require them
there are far better persuasive measures that can be catered to whatever the occurrence is

They were examples. Which realities are true for reactions aren't necessarily related Pardon the inexactness.

pardon granted
i suppose we will see just which reactions become appropriate when such an occasion may arrive
in the meantime annie i hope youll enjoy your remaining days of this year

Likewise for you, Kanaya.

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