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[glowsferatu]

If Youve Come This Far I Doubt You Cant Guess What To Do From Here
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[glowsferatu]

its never easy to get used to
youve taken for granted for so long that your life will be a certain way for as long as it lasts
and then to your surprise good things happen sometimes
who can even imagine what to make of that

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[nitidus]

I'm frightened of letting happiness come to me, I think. Isn't that funny.

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[glowsferatu]

not really
in either sense of the word
which is to say that i would neither laugh nor boggle at such a thing happening

happiness means having to make oneself vulnerable enough to enjoy it
it means letting things matter to you so that when that happiness is inevitably taken away again it will begin to hurt all over again
its opening your armor while knowing the knife is coming

[nitidus]

The knife can't always be coming though, can it?

[glowsferatu]

it wont be stabbing us constantly
but its poised to with every new person we grow close to
youve been around long enough to know how this is
there are some people that lachesis seems to take enough liking to that theyll stay for longer periods of time
but i start to wonder if we arent among those she will send home last

and i wonder if that isnt for the better now

im not saying it isnt worth it still
we cant just continue our lives disconnected from everything and everyone around us
that will only kill us more quickly
but the separation is inevitable and it wont be easy

[nitidus]

I've been telling myself that I have already lost them once. If it happens again, I will be prepared. But I won't be, will I? We live a life here that we are doomed to forget. They go home and nothing is retained, except for us, here.

I try not to think about this, Kanaya. But it bothers me.

[glowsferatu]

thats why i try to retain it all
if our memories here are the only remnants of what theyve left behind then i feel its my duty to maintain that memory
to leave some mark that will immortalize it
that was the purpose of my stakes

but i think thats what happens when you dont think about things
refusing to acknowledge them doesnt erase them
its like an open wound left to feester
covered with whatever we can find so we wont have to look at it
in that state it can never heal and never stop hurting
you only grow so accustomed to the pain that it is included in your definition of whats typical

[nitidus]

You've always been the more diligent of us both about this.

[glowsferatu]

ive let not attending to my own issues hurt others too many times
for me to do anything less would be irresponsible
i worry id only drag everyone else down worse than i do already
because weve been through all that before and thats the exact effect i had